The Ones Who Wake Me

Let’s talk about dreams for a moment.

Dreams are as mysterious as they are intriguing to me. One minute I’m sitting in a regular diner, eating any everyday type of meal with some dramatized version of my mother, the next moment I’m flying through the air with Hal Jordan and Guy Gardner as we attempt to protect Earth from the oncoming invaders. But what really piques my interest, especially as I’ve been getting older, is a particular type of dreaming.

Nightmares.

That endless cycle of waking and sleeping and waking and sleeping until you finally attempt to give in to the unbearable terror that awaits you behind closed eyes. But, as was the case for me last night, I found quite a bit of insight within this nightmare. I don’t want to get into too many details with names for the sake of those reading this, but I found myself back in the apartment I lived in before moving into the fraternity house. Not too odd, except that all of my furniture was what I now have in my house with Heather and not what I used to own myself. First little glitch I noticed. The dream swiftly progressed and I found myself uncomfortable, unwanted within a huge party going in at what I recognized as my grandparents house. I remember arguing, a lot of screaming and fighting. I looked around to see what I thought was Heather, but the face kept blurring in and out of focus. As “time” moved forward, the party came to a grinding halt as I found the blurred image of what I thought to be my girlfriend being dragged away by someone.

Flash forward. I’m in the townhouse my family moved to in Jacksonville once they decided they couldn’t be away from me anymore. Come to find out, the dream ‘girlfriend’ had left me for an unbearably large, neckbeard-like ‘man’. Reason and logic were out the window with every “Why Him?” and “What the hell?” that left my lips. She flipped her hair and walked away towards the door. She left me, alone in the apartment, surrounded by stacks of assorted papers and rubbish. I started seeing the cracks in the scene as more and more of my past crept into  the corners of my vision. Old photos, memories long left behind, and I swear I could smell the perfume she used to wear.

That did it. The walls started caving in and all I could see around me was her face, yelling at me. It reminded me over and over again of how I was nothing, could be nothing, and meant nothing to her or anyone else. Hollow laughter echoed around me. She wouldn’t stop, wouldn’t let up with her insulting. “STOP!” I screamed. I just wanted to be away from it all. “You’ll never be worth anything to anyone, give up while you still can.” I shut my eyes tight and prayed that I could be somewhere, anywhere else other than here.

And then I was. There I was, standing outside of this massive, looming house. Dark and shadowed, it took me a second to realize it was the house from the Nuka-World DLC in Fallout 4. (Nerdy, I know, but it’s going to have to come from somewhere right?) I stood there, staring at this building, when the overwhelming sense that I was being watched hit me. In my mind, it felt like someone I knew but also didn’t know. Faces rushed through my head as my brain hurriedly tried to give me something to work with but it failed. I started walking towards the house and in that moment, a cloaked figure ran from behind a bush and quickly through the main door, slamming it behind them. I ran up to the door, determined to find out who this figure was and the second my hand touched the doorknob…

I woke up.

So, yeah. This might be boring to some and interesting to others, but it’s how my night went. As I actually started waking up, I found myself thinking. What in the hell did any of that mean? What did it mean to me specifically? To be honest, most of it was brain garbage. My mind attempting to rid itself of the millions upon millions of random files it has loosely thrown around inside my head. But if I can take away anything from it, here’s what I got.

Memories can hurt. Sometimes for a very long time. If you find yourself in a situation where you don’t feel like you’re appreciated or that someone is keeping you down, run. Run hard and fast and don’t you ever look back. Because even after years of running, those memories can still have a lasting impression on who you are and what really terrifies you. The other side of that being this, appreciate where you’ve ended up because you aren’t back there anymore. I’m so happy for where my life has taken me and yes, I had to go through A LOT of ‘bad’ to get here. But last night reminded me of just that. I’m here. Not back there. I’m surrounded by love, appreciation, and a hell of a lot of people who are like-minded and ready to move forward with life.

So folks, don’t read TOO much into your dreams, but it never hurts to let them guide you a little and remind you of how far you’ve come.

 

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Have a happy Thursday folks!

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